SENTIENT TIMES Feb/Mar 2003

A Somatic Contradiction

By Peter Moore, MFCC, CGP

Several of the people who have come to me over the years for help have been caught in an uncomfortable dilemma, which needs understanding and resolution. They may be timid or outwardly strong but privately afraid. These sufferers have experienced their parents as intimidating or competitive, or perhaps uncontrollably angry and critical, or, in some cases, violent.

It seems, on the surface, that this is a straightforward situation of teaching the person how to comfort themselves and give themselves today the parenting that they needed in the past but didn’t receive. There is another dynamic here, however which is hard to grasp at first, but is in fact crucial in order for the person to move on.

This has to do with a general principle of what we do with our emotions when we can’t cope with them: we throw them out of our own energy field and try and get another person to carry that feeling for us. A common method, therefore, of dealing with fear is to try to intimidate someone. I’m talking here especially of fear which is so threatening to us that we dissociate from the feeling, with the result that we don’t know we’re afraid. The only way we can gradually understand that we might be dealing with fear is through an understanding of our behavior. If we find ourselves yelling at someone, chances are we are feeling threatened. If we find our thoughts are obsessing on something and we can’t let it go, it’s likely that the fear energy has moved up into our heads, causing the numbing of the feeling of fear and the unfortunate disconnected overcharge in the head, with the consequent subjective experience of a disagreeable chattering of the mind. More extreme unconscious fear results in energy moving further up or out, resulting in “spacing out.”

If the fight or flight mechanism is triggered, some people will more habitually choose to deal with the threat by the first of the above three methods: trying to get the other person or group of people afraid. In a parent-child relationship this is obviously unacceptable, but we live in a culture which is only recently beginning to realize the damaging effects of parenting through intimidation.

Let’s look in more detail how this pattern plays out. For the last several thousand years we in the West have suffered under the strange misconception that we’re born with something wicked inside us. It’s up to the parents, then, as a duty to society, to smash the will of the child, eradicate this evil, and then instill moral values. It’s still commonly thought that letting a child cry themselves alone to sleep is a good idea, though this leads to a later feeling of dissatisfaction in life.

The problem with this approach is that the parent’s unassailable rightness has to be supported by a determined application of will, because the aliveness on the child’s part will awaken uncomfortable feelings in the parent. Though it’s unlikely this will come to consciousness, the parent’s own pre-verbal trauma is being restimulated by the child’s normal and natural resistance to this treatment. The parent is now faced with a dilemma: to acknowledge his or her feelings and deconstruct a lifetime based on a flawed beginning, or press on regardless and insist that the young child ends up like himself: conforming to an arbitrary authority, and carrying the parent’s unresolved feelings. When the child grows up, he or she will get his turn to dominate and pass on these feelings—which explains the common observation that parenting behaviors are often passed from one generation to the next. It also explains why it is so hard to break the cycle, since it takes much less consciousness and effort to just repeat the cycle. To become reflective, truthful and compassionate about one’s heretofore unacknowledged suffering takes time, commitment, and courage.

We are now in a better position to understand the dynamic which will help someone who was raised this way to move on with their lives. It is this: when we, as children, are asked to carry a parent’s unresolved feelings for them, we become like little parents. It’s called “parenti-fication of the child.” What can be so confusing about this is when the parent is exporting their own fear or terror into the child through intimidation, relentless criticism, or competition. In those cases where an older sibling is also in a position to dominate the child, what is quite often seen is someone who is timid, has low self-esteem and appears self-effacing: the chest may be sunken in and the person will feel bad about their incapacity to succeed.
What happens to the body’s energy in such situations? Remember, it is the parent’s need for the child to be small, to take on the parent’s fear and anxieties. Therefore, to repeat, the child is put in the role of caretaker at an age before they could possibly succeed at this task. This imposition results in an over-responsibility on the child’s part, and an overcharge to the system. If the child is not allowed to puff up and become inflated (right and arrogant), we end up with a somatic contradiction based on the implicit parent message, “Be little and self-effacing; and look after me (be big).”

This overcharge is very tightly bound deep in the body. The collapsed, depressed appearance of the body is strongly held onto by overcharged and ultimately painful muscles around the spine, and the deeper muscles of the limbs. The extreme tension can manifest in arthritis, among other symptoms, since the superficially weak and retiring person is never allowed to lose his or her temper, which might temporarily discharge some tension. It can take a long time for such a person to recognize that the parent of whom they were afraid—who seemed so big—was actually frightened underneath all that control, and therefore that the fear can be let go of, as not ultimately belonging to them. Also, compassion for the abusive parent (as well as the self) begins to emerge, as the person recognizes that continued intimidation never actually brings satisfaction or peace.

As an instance of this, in our nation, do we feel any safer since 9/11amidst all this preparation for war on Iraq? Has our expensive military, which intimidates every other country on the planet, brought us security and peace? If we see that Mr. Bush and Mr. Cheney are themselves overwhelmed with fear and depression, we have more of a choice about whether to carry their negative feelings for them. It certainly doesn’t do us or them any good to be unconscious and unwitting enablers of their numbness. As a collective force, if we all refuse to take on the intimidation which Bush-Cheney wish to export, we increase the possibility of their facing their truth. Remember, a frightened population is good for the welfare of the military-industrial complex.

Peter Moore graduated from Oxford University, and, since 1980, has pursued his interest in healing. Included with his study of a variety of modalities is certification and postgraduate training with Siegmar Gerken Ph.D., and John Pierrakos M.D., the founder of Core Energetics, an approach which attempts to unify the personality on the levels of body, feelings, mind, will, and spirit. Peter is a licensed marriage and family therapist who also offers consultation and training to healers and bodyworkers. Peter’s practice is located in Eureka, California, he can be reached at (707) 442-7228.

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