SENTIENT TIMES June/July 2003

A Change of Heart
The Sacred Journey of Relationship

By Shri Estes

Several years ago, I heard a rather novel definition of enlightenment: “All projection stops.” I was stunned by its simplicity and profundity. If applied to an enlightened/conscious relationship, then what does it mean to have all projection stop? The focus of you as my problem immediately shifts. I then become the source of my own happiness whether in or out of relationship.

With this fundamental twist, vast new possibilities exist. This is not just a shift in attitude but one that requires a change of heart. People so often reach a point when they question what went wrong with their relationships and long for what they once had. A change of heart meant going our separate ways rather than deepening to the essential adjustments necessary for the defended heart to soften. The fundamental requirement for all true spiritual practice is the continued opening of the heart. This demands tremendous strength, courage, commitment and presence. The undefended heart moves relationship into the realm of the sacred. The practice field is ordinary life. In the midst of all the trials and tribulations, the bottom-line reference point is, “Does this relationship have heart?”

In many of the difficult break-ups of the last 20 years, the central struggle was to find the individuated self while being in relationship. Many relationships and marriages broke up because attempting to do both appeared to be an impossible task. Years later, we find that that choice did not necessarily bring happiness either. When couples struggle for the balance of union and personal self, how is it possible to stay together?

As we continue to live in precarious and uncertain times, the importance for quality relationship is at the forefront of our needs. The intensity of these times creates a strong pressure that is pushing us to move beyond our limited fears of intimacy and dive into the cauldron of the unknown. If we can allow ourselves to be “cooked” in this cauldron, the alchemical process itself will burn off fears and allow for something new to emerge. Learning to love when we may not be loved in return is a great risk. Most of us, if we are truly honest, aren’t willing to take this risk. I will only love if there is a guarantee of being loved in return. Who, then, takes the first step to love?

Often, no one really takes the first step. What transpires is a relationship where power struggles become predominate. They deflect from the more difficult task of feeling the fearful places that stand in the way of deeper intimacy. What gets played out instead is a subtle (sometimes not so subtle) game of tit for tat. I’ll do this if you do that and if I do this and you do that, we will prove our love for each other. The everyday, mundane world becomes the playing field. I’ll do the laundry if you clean the kitchen. If you earn the money, I won’t withhold sex; if you get to watch the football game, I get to go away with my women friends. If one person messes up, love is questioned. This is usually done indirectly and is veiled in manipulative disguises. The content changes; the game is still the same. Most of us have experienced this form of relationship at one time or another. How do the endless rounds stop?

Power struggles arise when both partners willingly participate in an unequal relationship. Either I am willing to give you more power or I will control you by being solely in charge. Power struggles diminish when both partners are willing to be responsible for him/herself and commit to being as fully present as possible in the moment. There must be a truthful agreement to live, act and breathe without the need for a power differential.

What ends? In its more dramatic forms: abuse, victimization, control, co-dependency; in its more subtle forms, the need to be less than or more than oneself. With an equalized field, a pathway now opens for a different experience of love.

In any power struggle, if followed back to source, either one or both partners have a charge about something or someone. Usually this reaction is based on the past and is often steeped in the workings of the unconscious. To shift the relationship to one that is conscious, a central agreement must be held by both partners. Each must be willing to inquire into his or her reaction. The focus shifts from you are to blame for my unhappiness, resignation, anger (fill in the blank) to I am willing to inquire into my reaction to you and the particular incident.

So, let’s take the dirty laundry as grist for the mill. We can probably all relate to some aspect of this scenario. She wants him to put his dirty laundry into the laundry basket. He could care less but agrees to do so and soon doesn’t follow through with his agreement. She is angry. Center stage for the round-robin power struggle that more than likely has nothing to do with the dirty laundry.

So the dirty laundry becomes the vehicle for a serious inquiry. Rather than act out, he may inquire; “Why do I react so strongly about putting my dirty clothes in the laundry basket?” She might inquire into why she reacts so strongly to his lack of follow-through. As each does this inward search into the deeper aspects of self, other insights have the possibility of emerging. His may be, “I am always bad.” Hers might be, “I am always used when I open myself up to a man.” Neither of these deep-seated beliefs have anything to do with the issue at hand; yet they rule the relationship. No wonder couples often feel like they are walking in a foggy maze. The door is now open to truly listen to each other; to allow the heart to talk and be heard.

How do we cut to the chase? Each partner must choose to allow reactions to be the doorway to an inquiry into the self. This is where the willingness must show up for a change of heart to happen. I want a conscious, loving relationship and I am willing to do the kind of laser-sharp investigation into myself to bring my past into the present for greater understanding. Then I can make different choices in how I want to respond to my partner. This is how relationship becomes spiritual practice. The other becomes the vehicle and mirror to look to the self and heal what is incomplete from the past. Rigorous, challenging and exciting. This is a path for experiencing the joy for all of life. Joy is not a fleeting feeling of euphoria but a grounded experience of being present and connected to my partner and all of life in each moment. Experiencing the preciousness for all of life offers the leverage point for couples to not only want to change but to actually change.

We have a magical gift with awareness. The moment we put our attention to our awareness, it shifts. Meditation practice teaches this so well. As humans, we have the power of choice, not always the choice to change our circumstances, but the power to change our attention, concentration and focus. This in turn alters our awareness. Once we shift our awareness, we become more conscious. Once we become more conscious, our options for how we want to be expand. We have the opportunity to respond from a higher frequency of love, consideration and respect.

About six years ago, I heard Margaret Wheatley speak. An innovative business consultant and Buddhist practitioner, she told a story that epitomizes the dynamic, creative opportunity that can emerge when holding the possibility of self and other. A high school principle was hired to revamp an inner-city school. The school had a reputation for being unruly, disorderly and out of control. When he began at the school, he saw the inexhaustible list of rules and regulations for the students and quickly saw how ineffective they were. He threw them all away, called an assembly and told the students and faculty that from then on there were only three rules for the school: take care of yourself, take care of each other, take care of this place. That was it. Nothing else was said. Several months later there was a practice fire drill and the entire school went outside. It was a rainy day, with lots of mud on the ground. When everyone was allowed back into the school, the principle knew that the new rules had finally come into effect. Being the last one to enter the school, he walked over several hundred pairs of shoes at the front door. No one had asked the students to remove their shoes.

In many Eastern countries, shoes are automatically removed each time one enters the home. It is a symbolic act of leaving worldly duties at the door and entering the sacred space of family life. Symbolically, how does a couple know when and how to remove shoes in their relationship, without being told to do so? To make the sincere commitment to honor myself, honor my partner and honor the field of relationship we have created together, is a quantum first step. The willingness has to be there. The spaciousness to make mistakes and try again must be at the forefront. The longing for intimacy becomes so great that it actually hurts the heart. The undefended heart is spacious enough to allow oneself to be touched and be willing to touch another in a manner of the utmost reverential respect.

The games fall away, not always effortlessly, but through the commitment to the truth of being. We are in an equal relationship; both I and we are honored and the space we create together becomes sacred ground. When we learn to love well, the heart can open in ways that were once seen as impossible. Miracles do happen. A change of heart means just that—a willingness to have the heart be changed.

Shri Estes is a spiritual guide, licensed psychotherapist, business consultant and director of Estes Environments Inc, a sustainable business. The core of her work is to honor all relationship as sacred. Shri lives in Ashland, OR and can be reached at (541) 482-8989 or shri@mind.net. 

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