April/May 2004

Peace Candidate Dennis Kucinich Vows to Stay in Race
Interview by Amy Goodman

Three Days in Spain
William Rivers Pitt

"House of Bush, House of Saud"
Interview with Craig Unger by Amy Goodman

"Seeds of Deception"
Jeffrey Smith

Genetically Engineered DNA Found in Traditional Seeds

New Findings Show Health Hazards of Genetically Modified Crops

An Evolutionary Conversatoin with Barbara Marx Hubbard
Alan Sasha Lithman

Making A New Declaration of Independence
Michael J. Tamura

Empathic Listening
Holley Humphrey

Intimacy With Self and Others, Earth and Spirit
Loba

2004 State of the Universe Address
Swani Beyondananda

Cosmic Calendar
Salina Rain

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Empathic Listening

By Holley Humphrey

Would you like to increase your intimacy skills?
Want to know why most listening breaks down?
How about being able to really “be there” when a friend is feeling blue? Here are some tips for listening expertise.

Empathic Listening is a mixture of communication skills and awareness to use when you genuinely want to connect. You can use it to applaud someone’s victory or to help uncover what’s really troubling her. The result is often a deeper sense of connection, relief and joy!

Have you ever been really excited about something and felt disappointed with the response you received? For example, you might say, “Hey, I just paid off my credit card!” Perhaps a friend offers a flippant reply. “Big deal, you’ll be back in debt in no time.” Or in a misguided attempt to celebrate with you, she might unconsciously divert the subject to herself with, “Congratulations! I did that two years ago.”

With empathy, however, because the focus stays on the speaker, the enjoyment lasts longer. If your friend’s response were, “Wow, I bet that’s a big relief!” you might feel encouraged to continue.

“Yeah. Sometimes I thought I was drowning in debt.” An empathic listener will stay with you as long as she honestly can until the conversation seems complete. “Sounds as if you’ve felt pretty desperate at times. I imagine you’ve been wishing for a fresh start?” You might reply, “Exactly. I need to be saving money instead of living on the edge.” The listener may confirm, “I’d guess what you really want is financial security?” “Precisely!”

Can you feel the difference? With the focus consciously on the speaker, both people have a deeper, more meaningful experience. It becomes a mutual exploration. It is done “with” someone not “to” them.

How can you listen more empathically? Primarily, it’s about quality attention. Your heartfelt attitude of acceptance and alertness helps the speaker express clearly what she is trying to say. First, focus on discovering her unmet needs, then present yours. After that, work together to find a solution.

Start with the intent to connect. Don’t get caught up in “doing it right.” It’s not about being clever. Sometimes even just connecting silently is plenty. It’s your intent and your attention that matters.

To guess her unexpressed need, ask yourself, “What is she feeling? What might she be wanting or needing?”

During pauses in her speaking, help her clarify her feelings and needs (or just her needs) with guessing phrases such as:
“Seems as if you wish …?”
“Were you wanting …?”
“Are you hoping …?”

This is a process similar to peeling an onion. Be prepared for feelings, wants and even the subject to shift at different layers. Don’t be dismayed by “No” answers. Simply use that information to hone your next guess.

If you get stuck, try offering to summarize, “May I tell you what I’ve understood so far?” Or you might say “I’m stuck right now. It would really help me to listen better if I knew more about what you are wanting. Can you help me out?”

If you get tired or have other obligations, ask to reschedule, expressing your feelings and needs honestly. Perhaps you can sincerely say, “I have some frustration and feel torn right now because I’d like to hear what you’re saying and at the same time I’m distracted by an upcoming appointment. I’d like to wait until I can give you my complete attention because you’re important to me. How do you feel about stopping soon and continuing this evening?” (hear her feelings)

Don’t take things personally: As listeners, taking criticism personally is our single biggest miscalculation. We all do it. The biggest listening secret is that when people seem to be complaining they are really poorly expressing their own feelings and needs. “You’re so incompetent” might be more accurately expressed as “I’m so exasperated. I wish I could explain things clearly enough to make it easy to understand.” If, however, you do hear such a “you statement” try something like, “You’re upset? You wanted something done differently?”

If you hear, “You never listen to me,” instead of reacting you could try, “Are you needing my full attention right now?”

That speaker might have meant, “I’m frustrated. I’d really prefer to have your total concentration right now. Would you be willing to let the telephone machine answer calls while we’re talking?”

Again, to receive criticism empathically listen for the unspoken need. In hearing it as that person’s need, you’ll be less tempted to defend yourself and more available to listen.

Timing is everything! These temptations are actually “premature” attempts to connect because they usually come with nurturing intentions. They’re not “wrong” but the timing is poor if the speaker is still uncovering her deeper need. Listen for responses that indicate completion, such as, “Exactly!” or “That’s right!”

Use your intuition about timing or ask if the speaker is ready to listen.

• “Do you have a sense that I’ve really heard you or is there something else you’d like me to understand?”
• “I’m moved by what you’ve said. Would you like to hear my feelings about that?”
• “I’m curious about this. May I ask a couple of questions?”
• “I have a suggestion. Would you like to hear it now or would you prefer to continue?”
• “I have a story that’s similar and might be useful. Would you enjoy hearing it?”
• “I’m remembering it a little differently. Would you be willing to hear my version?”
• “Given the situation, would you like to brainstorm some solutions together?”

Empathic Listening is a combination of: Having the intention to connect. Focusing on clarifying the speaker’s needs first. Remembering that criticism is someone’s poorly expressed feelings and unmet needs. Checking the timing before offering your feelings, suggestions, corrections etc.

Don’t grab the spotlight. When we agree silently or verbally to be a listener, it’s a serious agreement. We are being entrusted with someone’s vulnerability.

Often, however, right in the middle of listening, we get an overwhelming temptation to interrupt. Inadvertently we’re asking the speaker to focus on us. It seems justified though, because we’re convinced the information is valuable and will be very helpful.

The ten most common ways to take the spotlight away from the speaker are when we:

Give advice/Fix-it
“I think you should ...”
“If I were you, I’d ...”
“There’s a wonderful book ...”

Explain it away
“I would have called but ...”
“She only said that ‘cuz you...”
“But I didn’t mean to ....”

Correct it
“That’s not how it happened.”
“You’re the one who started …”
“Excuse me? I never said that!”

Console
“It wasn’t your fault ...”
“You did the best you could ...”
“It could’ve been a lot worse.”

Tell a story
“That reminds me of the time ...”
“I know just how you feel. Yesterday, I was walking ...”

Shut down feelings
“Cheer up. Don’t be so mad”
“Blah blah. Quit belly-aching.”

Sympathize/commiserate
“Oh you poor thing..”
“How can people do that?”

Investigate/interrogate
“What made you do that?”
“When did this happen?”
“Why didn’t you call ?”

Evaluate/Educate
“You’re just too unrealistic.”
“The trouble with them is ...”
“What is this telling you?”
“If you weren’t so defensive ...”

One-Up
“That’s nothing. Listen to this!”

H. Holley Humphrey lives near Grants Pass, Oregon, and is an educator, international speaker/trainer, and Certified Trainer for the Center for Nonviolent Communication (www.cnvc.org). She offers workshops, a training video, “Speaking Compassion” and a practice workbook. Her new workbook for teaching NVC to kids using games and activities, “Feelings, Wishes, Needs, Requests” will be out this spring. Holley may be reached at (541) 862-2043, hhh4kids@earthlink.net; www.empathymamagic.com.