SENTIENT TIMES August/September 2004

Healing Our World From the Inside Out

By Carol Hwoschinsky

Listening is simple, but did anyone ever promise it would be easy? “God gave us two ears and only one mouth,” says an old Jewish proverb, “that we should listen twice as much as we speak.” Though listening is something humans have done since developing ears, it continues to be a major challenge for most of us, especially when we are emotionally involved.

As a psychotherapist, I had spent many years guiding couples and families to listen to each other. It’s really what therapy is. And I had spent a number of years teaching conflict resolution in organizations and abroad. But I had not paid enough attention to the process of listening, so when I heard the two words compassionate listening, something clicked—a profound insight flooded me and I realized that listening compassionately is the key to all rela-tionships.

I was introduced to compassionate listening through Leah Green, the director of what was then MidEast Citizen Diplomacy. Leah had been leading delegations of Americans to the region for years and had just incorporated the work of Gene Hoffman, a Quaker activist who coined the term Compassionate ListeningSM. I immediately decided to join a delegation to Israel, the West Bank and Gaza to listen to people with many different opinions and from all walks of life. I was moved by the relationships which developed from the deep trust we engendered through listening with compassion. This powerful tool for reconciliation can bring new insight and be deeply healing for both those listened to and the listener. When I replaced my judgments with compassion for the human being and could actually feel that had I lived that person’s life I might be making the same choices, I could relate human to human. My whole perspective shifted and I knew this listening had profound possibilities for reconciling our differences.

Over the past eight years I have had the good fortune to visit Israel and the Occupied Territories, as well as Croatia, to listen to people and to help people listen to each other. It has been an amazing experience to go to a place of such obvious strife and conflict. I have learned many things—about people, about countries and policies, and about myself. These experiences have shown me that I don’t have to “go” anywhere else to find these conflicts. They reside within my own mind, my own family and my own community and country.

What I have learned from being in regions of intense conflict is that even these protracted conflicts occur as a result of our habits of thought. In psychology we call it “black/white thinking.” It is a very simplistic view that things are either black or white with no area of gray in between. This is not a characteristic of nationalities or religions, but of humans. Every nation and every religion has its fundamentalists and its extreme liberals. This polarized way of looking creates enemies, and is a detriment to all our relationships. When two parties hold conflicting points of view, a compromise is the best one can hope for in settling a dispute, and the rich area between the positions is where creative solutions can be found. With the either/or type of thinking we separate ourselves from people who hold differing points of view. It is easy to objectify others and ultimately to make them our enemy—once this has happened, it is difficult to engage them in finding solutions.

We only have to look back a little over a year ago during the preparations for the Iraq war to see how the divisive thinking process seriously threatened the fabric of our own society. Those who were against the war were labeled unpatriotic and un-American. Those in favor were accused of being war mongers. Accusations were hurled back and forth and few were able to listen to the deeper concerns of the “other.” Being Americans is our commonality, and we have differing solutions to the problems of security. With polarities as strong as they are, those with the most power settle the issue—at least for a time, because as soon as the other side amasses enough power, they will become the majority.

The same dynamic is playing out in the current political arena. Republicans and Democrats are digging their lines deep in the sand. Are there any people left who can listen for our common needs and address the issues in a way that serves us all? Is anyone asking what is best for the country and the world? What is best for people? For the greater whole? It seems as though the statesmen/women are gone. It’s up to us—we, the people.

Using Listening to Reunite Politically

The polarities in our society have become so pronounced that some people are using listening on a broad scale to reunite politically. Recently a group of American conservatives and liberals met to discuss the issues of democracy. This gathering was organized by Lets Talk America (www.lets
talkamerica.org) and the Democracy in America Project (www.democracycampaign.
org). This unusual gathering was funded by the visionary Fetzer Institute (www.fetzer.
org) and generously hosted at their wooded Seasons Retreat Center in Kalamazoo, Michigan.

Tom Atlee, author of The Tao of Democracy (www.co-intelligence.org/polarization-Fetzer.html) was one of the participants and writes of his experience:

“I see my challenge now as nurturing an open curiosity, with less fear, judgment and preconceptions in engaging with those I see as conservative, as well as with everyone else. If they are spokespeople for the Right—as several of the attendees at this meeting were—I now know that their public statements are called forth by the system we live in, as are the provocative statements of the progressive Left or Democratic partisans. I now expect that, on meeting them, I will probably find them different from whatever I may have concluded from their media persona and their Google results. Similarly, if they are ordinary people who happen to be conservative, then I’ll likely find, if I really listen to them, that I agree with them more often than not—and even where I don’t agree with them, I’ll be able to understand where they’re coming from, and be able to see their very real humanity under all their opinions. I may even come away wiser, with a more nuanced sense of the issues we discussed and what they really mean in the big picture. As Lets Talk America says, “What if what unites us is more than we realize, and what divides us is less than we fear.”

Recently a group of citizens in the Illinois Valley in Josephine County, Oregon, brought the whole community together to listen to each other with regard to the massive Biscuit fire salvage. The issue has been tearing the community apart and this listening session was an attempt to hear each others views and to affirm the community of people who have been neighbors for years. People listened to each other’s concerns with the hope that the issues would not fracture the relationships.

Everyone who is a part of the problem needs to be part of the solution. Our world is a complex and seemingly chaotic system, and the issues humanity faces are large and difficult to solve because we all hold pieces of the solutions although we don’t understand the whole picture. By connect-ing the pieces we uncover meaning. Linking ideas and networking with people is pivotal at this juncture in time and astute listening can detect elements of agreement in diver-gent positions. The connection allows for a glimpse of the greater whole.

Einstein stated that a problem cannot be solved at the same level as the problem. In searching for clarity at deeper levels we listen to the grievances, and for the suffering, without judgment for the underlying interests and needs which connect us. By offering to listen without countering with arguments, we engage and look for areas of commonality under the position. We look for what is motivating that point of view. We listen to understand the events in a person’s life which led him/her to reach those conclusions. We listen without interruption creating a safe container for people to be free to express themselves. We work hard to put our judgments aside in that moment in order to be fully present to another human being.

This kind of listening is profoundly healing of relationships and of the judgments which are often at war in our own heads as we listen. These skills of nonjudgmental listening can serve in all aspects of our lives—personally and professionally, locally and internationally.

Conflicts recycle mainly because the core issues or the underlying needs are not addressed. We are in such a hurry to problem solve, we don’t look deeper to the core of the problem. When a teenager is in conflict over the use of the family car, it’s usually not for transportation. The issues are most likely a desire for prestige, socialization, control or many others. Trying to find other ways to get from here to there does not address the real problem. The focus should be on the underlying needs.

Often, when listening to Jews and Palestinians, I cannot distinguish the concerns and needs of one from another. I hear the need for security, safety, homeland, prosperity and the right to raise one’s family with dignity. Isn’t this what we all want? But few are listening. This failure to hear and to recognize our interconnection and the common basic needs is what leads to conflict: the projection of our fears on to the “other”—enemy making.

Finding Solutions

It seems logical to listen for divergent points of view in order to find solutions which will be acceptable to all concerned. But why is it so hard?

As a species, we are designed to survive at all costs. Our fight/flight response is a deeply embedded survival instinct. When we perceive someone as not being “one of us”—that is, not having similar opinions which make us feel safe—we instinctively perceive that person as suspect and a potential enemy. The stimuli comes through our senses to the root brain which perceives danger. The limbic, emotional brain decodes this information as fear. The automatic response would be to fight or flee. However, when we can delay the call to action and engage the neo-cortex to assess the situation, we can keep our self-protective impulses at bay. We are capable of making other choices.

Because of the evolutionary develop-ment of the human brain and nervous system we are no longer bound by this conditioned response. We now have the freedom to hold a greater vision: that of participant and of observer. What this means is that not only can we think, we can be aware we are thinking and what we are thinking about. We are able to delay action when we are threatened or alarmed. We have the ability to observe ourselves more objectively and can monitor our actions in the present moment.

Recent research on the function of the heart has shown that there are even more possibilities for freeing ourselves from our automatic, protective reactions. The heart, more than just a pump consisting of muscle cells, has a direct effect upon the brain and our perception. The fact that sixty to sixty five per cent of the heart’s cells are actually neural cells, identical to those of the brain, indicates that the heart is a major center of intelligence in human beings. These cells are linked to every organ in our body, and the heart emits an electro-magnetic field which encompasses the body and extends out 8-12 feet. What we feel in our heart influences our own perceptions and physiology, and also has an affect upon all living things in our environment.

This is ancient wisdom. The implications for our lives are profound. Humans can directly experience feelings of appreciation, love and compassion in our hearts and intentionally direct those electromagnetic impulses to the brain, thus counteracting our own judgment, anxiety, resentment and hatred.

We are wired to connect with each other. And, at this juncture in our evolution, connect we must. Having developed the capacity to control impulses, assess feeling and thinking, and make choices appropriate to the situation at hand, we now need to practice techniques which will help us choose positive responses which will improve our relations with others, deal with obstacles and crises, help us live more fully in the present, and deepen a sense of meaning in our lives.

Compassionate listening involves a dynamic interaction between the brain and the heart. In searching for clarity at deeper levels, we listen to the grievances and for the suffering. We listen for the underlying needs which connect us and are present to ourselves and to others.

In the Middle East it is difficult and often dangerous for Israelis and Palestinians to listen to each other. But many do, and under very difficult circumstances. Listeners know that under every act of violence is an unhealed wound. Compassionate listening reveals these wounds to both the listener and the speaker. It is a deeply healing process.

While sitting in a hotel lobby in east Jerusalem I listened to a small, quiet man tell our American delegation how his son was abducted and executed by a group of Palestinians. He recounted how he, an Israeli Jew, reached out to connect first with the parents of the young man who had killed his own son, and then with them formed a support group for bereaved Jewish and Arab parents.

While in a Palestinian refugee camp I listened to a man tell us of his family’s decision to donate the body parts of his dead son. The Jewish doctor reminded him that because his son had died in an Israeli hospital, his son’s parts would most likely be used for Israeli Jews. Our host exclaimed over and over that humans are humans and that whether one is a Jew or a Palestinian doesn’t matter at times like these.

Both of these fathers had experienced such pain that their hearts were broken open and from that open heartedness, they could see themselves in another. My observation was that they could see their own pain in their “enemy.” They were One.

Extreme pain does break our hearts open. But do we have to go through intense broken heartedness in order to recognize each other? Disconnection is the most painful of experiences—disconnection from Self, from people, from nature—and it’s lonely and terrifying to be cut off from what holds real meaning. I see division all around me. I see people separated and alienated. One might say that the whole world in conflict is experiencing a collective “dark night of the soul”—a disconnection from our essential nature as loving beings.

But with every dark night there is promise of a new dawn. There are signs of change, of hope. There are people who are making choices to love rather than hate, to forgive rather than hold the pain of judgment. The promise of healing lies in connecting consciously and deliberately to our hearts. When I look at the world and I am connected to my heart, I see a totally different picture. Listening compassionately leads to a sense of peace and intercon-nection that we can draw upon when life gets difficult and when we have problems to solve. By connecting with our own essential heart space, we recognize it in others. This serves as a validation to them of their own essential being.

Listening with the heart is a way of action that does not cause a sense of separation or an adverse reaction. What we feel in our heart influences our perceptions and physiology and has a profound effect on all living things in our environment.

When asked about Compassionate ListeningSM and what good it can possibly do when the problems in the world are so pervasive, I return in my mind to the many people whose stories I have heard. I am certain, though we may not be able to visibly change the events of the world, that changing one life—even my own—makes the effort worthwhile. I know lives are altered by these experiences. I am confident compassion and understanding ultimately enhance the lives of all.

Carol Hwoschinsky is a licensed counselor, an educator and a mediator. She applies listening skills personally, in the community, and internationally. She serves on the Board of Mediation Works in the Rogue Valley in Oregon and has taught psychology in the former Soviet Union and worked in Armenia/Azerbaijan to support dialogue and joint projects. Carol serves as Training Director for The Compassionate Listening Project which fosters dialogue and reconciliation between parties in conflict in the Middle East, Europe and the United States. This summer she is teaching Compassionate Listening in Croatia at The Seedlings of Peace summer camp for youth affected by war. Carol is offering a workshop in Ashland,Oregon, “Compas-sionate Listening: Healing Our World From the Inside Out,” September 17-19. Please call (541) 482-2046 for further information or visit www.compassionatelistening.org.

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