SENTIENT TIMES August/September 2004

From Hurt to Heart: Healing Conflict at its Roots

By Eryn Kalish

It’s a mild understatement to say that we are living in turbulent times. Across the country and across the planet, people are fighting about everything from politics to soccer games, business operations to surgical and military ones. In Oregon there are divisions between environmentalists and developers; anarchists, radicals, liberals and conservatives; those who support the Oregon Health Plan and those who oppose it. Not to mention those irritating conflicts with family members, co-workers and neighbors.

Conventional wisdom says that compromise is the only way. Yet conventional wisdom does not suffice in times like these. Unconventional, integral approaches to conflict resolution point us toward something else. Something deeper, something that allows the sanctity of life to flourish for all, something that allows us to connect to the heart and soul of the person we have thought of as our “enemy” or simply as “the one who does not get it.”

The focus of this column is to provide the tools and practices for that “something deeper” to emerge in your life and the lives of those around you. Something that will lead to true resolution for all parties, and true healing of the wounds and fears that are at the core of most conflicts. The column will provide ways for you to get at the roots of the conflicts that you are facing so that all parties involved can be encouraged to dig deep, past their defenses and pain, to the essence of their truth. When space is created for that, and the right tools are used, a solution that works for all usually emerges.

We invite you to send in questions about the conflicts in your own life. Whether your conflict is hot and violent or just the cold chill of co-workers, family members or neighbors who hardly speak, the practices here will in most cases help you toward resolution.

Here are some questions I have been asked recently and my replies. See if they resonate for you … and please let us know what you think.

My husband and I and our two year old have just moved into a new neighborhood. We are very active in liberal politics and have usually lived around people who share our views. Next door we have a couple and their teenage children who have pro-Bush placards in their window and on their lawn. We are used to talking and arguing politics but each time we bring up the subject, our neighbors seem to just shut down and make an excuse to go back inside. We don’t know how to connect with them and are beginning to wonder if we made a mistake moving here.

I can appreciate how difficult this is for all of you. It really symbolizes so much of what is currently happening in this country, with deepening polarizations surfacing as the election gets closer. You might try a couple of things: first, next time you notice them shutting down you might gently say something like “I notice whenever we start to talk politics that there is a disconnect between us. Would you be willing to tell me what goes on for you?” And then do some Compassionate ListeningSM—which is intended as a gift to the speaker. Don’t argue or react, just really hear them. This should at least connect you heart to heart and from there you can all decide what you choose to speak about and what might best be off topic.

Another thing, if you have time for it, would be to check out the work at www.LetsTalkAmerica.org. Invite your neighbors and other friends to talk about “what we cherish about this country.” LTA is working to create bridges between the factions that are dividing us so we can resolve political and social problems at the root.

My 14 year old daughter is often quite angry with me. She is very materialistic, and she has a temper tantrum whenever I say no to her about yet another purchase of something she does not really need. I’m a single dad; her mom died two years ago. I’m probably spoiling her because I feel so bad about her loss.

I’m so sorry for the loss of her mother. A child’s grief can be quite complex, especially if it is getting acted out rather than talked out. I’m wondering if you have tried to talk with her about this situation. At a time when you are both feeling close, ask her about how she is doing with the loss of her mom, and tell her your concerns about her focus on buying things to fill that void. Talk with her about the values you have and the vision you have for what might replace her focus on materialism (i.e. ask what is she not doing when she’s shopping that might be better for her long term well being?). Ask her about her vision for her life and really listen. Kids today are inundated with the message that they are only cool if they have the latest gadgets and clothes. Remind her of truer values.

Please send questions regarding conflict in your life, or comments about the answers you read in Eryn’s column, to SenTimesReaders@aol.com.

Eryn Kalish, MC, is Founding Principal of Workplace Connections, LLC and Board President of The Compassionate Listening Project. She uses practices and tools from Compassionate ListeningSM, meditation, conflict resolution, organizational development, psychology and group attunement processes, to provide those involved in any type of conflict with what they need to heal deeply at the roots. A long time meditator, Eryn has been involved in founding several non-profit organizations and her life’s mission is to help facilitate global integral solutions to conflicts. Eryn is part of the Israeli-Palestinian training team for The Compassionate Listening Project.

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