August/September 2005

Cultivating Relational Intelligence
Nina Simons

Crimes Against Democracy: An Interview with Thom Hartmann
Jim Guiness

Rebirth in the Forest
Will Sears

Right Living, and Surviving, After The Age Of Oil
John Darling

Permaculture and Place
Steve Gabriel

Think of Local Food First
Wendy Siporen

Sustainable Living at Solviva
Anna Edey

Year-Round Gardening in Home and GreenHouse
Jeffrey M. Smith

The Greening of Cuba
Caroline Whyte

A Path of Peace, Kindness and Compassion
Jody Woodruff

From Hurt to Heart
Eryn Kalish

Epictetus' Handbook Revisited
Gay Hendricks & Phillip Johncock

The Sky of Now
Katie Davis

The Complete Book of Raw Food
Reviewed by Rachel Bendat

Whole Foods Companion
Reviewed by Rachel Bendat

Cosmic Calendar
Salina Rain

BACK TO TOP

From Hurt to Heart

How to Know When Listening Is Not Happening

By Eryn Kalish, MC

It’s the eve of the bus and underground rail bombings in London. And despite the fierce words from world leaders, this is quite a devastating event for most of us to witness.

 For days I have been thinking about this issue’s column and coming up blank. The editor asked me to write about how we know when people are not listening to each other; i.e. what are the signals that listening is not happening?

Upon hearing of the bombings, all I could think about was that the answer to her question suddenly seemed very clear: when conflict and/or violence is escalating.

But must we wait for the devastation of violence, divorce, betrayal or major breakdown in relationship before we know that deeper listening is needed? What are the subtle indicators that we need to tune into in order to know that listening is called for?

First off, feel your gut, your heart, your throat. Are they tight and constricted or open and relaxed? And then notice what you are seeing in the eyes of the other. Is it rage and anger or the softening into pain, fear, vulnerability and openness?

What is the tone of voice you are each using? Shrill and harsh and loud or open and receptive, even if tinged with pain or fear?

What is the emotional stance you are each taking? Are you defending your positions and/or interrupting each other? Or are you open to hearing something new and deeper arise in you both?

And what of the threats of violence? Many of us say we “don’t go there,” but when we are triggered, the biochemicals that flood our systems are as old as our reptilian brains. We can regress to survival mode fairly quickly and fantasies of violence can flit through our minds.

So what can we do if we notice that listening is not happening? Depending upon just how triggered we are, we can do any or all of the following:
— take a break and take a walk
— do deep breathing exercise
— say a mantra or a prayer to become present to the situation as it is now (rarely so scary as our defenses, built on the rubble of old wounds, would have us believe)
— practice tuning into our hearts to ask what is called for

 Probably the most important thing is to commit to practicing these skills in daily life so that they are accessible when we really need them. There seem to be plenty of opportunities to practice. Where is listening not called for? Our families? Store Clerks? Co-workers? Community activists and leaders? Who doesn’t need more listening? And the thing that those of us who are actively practicing Compassionate Listeningsm keep discovering, is that the more we listen, the easier relationships get.

Listening won’t solve all of the conflicts on the planet, but as a place to start I can’t think of anything more foundational.
 
 Eryn Kalish, MC, is Founding Principal of Workplace Connections, LLC and Immediate Past President and Certified Facilitator of The Compassionate Listening Project. She uses practices and tools from Compassionate Listening SM, meditation, conflict resolution, organizational development, psychology and group attunement processes, to provide those involved in conflict with what they need to heal deeply at the roots. Eryn’s life mission is to help facilitate global integral solutions to conflicts and she is part of the Israeli-Palestinian training team for The Compassionate Listening Project. Send questions about your conflicts to Eryn at SenTimesReaders@aol.com.