August/September 2007

Building Social Capital
Craig Comstock

The Benefits of Relocalizing
Jan Spencer

The World's First Truly Global Empire Interview with John Perkins
Amy Goodman

An Idea That Can Bring Us Together Interview with Howard Zinn
Jason Francis

Red Earth Descendents to Host Upcoming Native EcoSymposium
Jane Ayers

Sunscreen Scrutiny
Jody Woodruff

The Best Health Care is Reserved for Congress
Don Sloan, MD

Traveling to Kabul with Nonviolent Communication
Selene Aitken

Exploring the Gifts and Opportunities of Mid-Life: A Jungian Perspective
Marla Estes

Living in Sad Times: The Depression Epicemic, and Some Green Notes
Gaea Yudron

Lift Yourself Into A Brand New World
Guy Finley

Cosmic Calendar
Salina Rain

BACK TO TOP

Traveling to Kabul with Nonviolent Communication

By Selene Aitken

When the first appeal for a trainer for Kabul flashed on my Center for Nonviolent Com-munication Trainers’ email list, I raised my eye-brows and deleted it. When, a month later, a request for a second trainer for the Kabul event appeared, I replied. In between those two emails, in a moment of despair about the suffering of Iraqis and Afghans, I had prayed for “Something To Do” that would feel like a meaningful contribution to creating peace.

A few emails later I wrote “I am a female from the US do you still want me in Kabul?” I was relieved to receive a clear “yes” from Khan Agha Dawoodzie, the program director for the Bureau for Reconstruction and Development (BRD) in Afghanistan (www.brd.org), who learned Nonviolent Communication (NVC) by attending trainings in India.

Khan, a man in his forties, has a degree in civil engineering. He had been working with a Danish human rights organization for sixteen years when he joined the United Nations office in Afghanistan in 2002. At the same time, he founded the BRD and is the program director of the organization. In addition to UN Assistance Mission in Afghanistan (UNAMA) and UN Volunteers, an organ-ization based in Germany, five international partners have been collaborating with BRD. Some help train teachers, others focus on the staff in the justice system, and yet others work with civic education throughout the country. Volunteers working with BRD come from Brazil, the Philippines, the UK, Germany and the US.

BRD works with local government institutions as well as with grassroots, and nongovernmental organizations. They’ve organized workshops on human rights for women’s groups and teachers and also provide vocational training to help people qualify for jobs. (The unemployment rate in Afghanistan is 40%.)

These same men and women who are involved in peace education, peace building and conflict resolution are the ones who will attend the training. They’ll be coming from all over the country and the training will be translated into various languages.

The purpose of this workshop for 50 people is to offer tools with which to deal with conflicts that arise within and between organizations. I know first hand how difficult it can be for passionate, caring people to work peacefully and effectively together in the US. I also know how discouraged we feel when those on the same side of a cause sabotage its success by wrangling. When I think of people in Afghanistan dealing with these frustrations and disappointments while they cope with the hardships of their lives, I want to contribute to their efforts to work cooperatively.

Mr. Dawoodzai says he wants to cultivate the culture of peace at the grass roots level so the implementation of reconstruction and efforts to stabilize the country can be more effective. He says “In the post conflict situation in Afghanistan, thousands of innocent people are being adversely affected by aggression, hostility and anger every year. To address this conflict situation, we have decided to promote “peace” and “harmony.” . . . Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is one of the initiatives to be taken towards this cause because NVC is used to mediate disputes and conflicts at all levels. Internationally and nationally, a heavy emphasis is being placed on peace-talks; NVC goes far beyond talk—it shows how to communicate effectively, build relationships, and teach and promote peace.”

I am certified as a trainer of Nonviolent Communication, which also known as Compassionate Communication. Dr. Marshall Rosenberg developed this “language of the heart” during the Civil Rights era in the United States. His inspiration came from Ghandi, Maslow, Max Neef (the Chilean economist), and others who espouse nonviolence in the quest for a paradigm that favors partnership over domination.

Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication makes possible interactions that value individual as well as group needs. Recognizing and honoring needs (i.e. values, priorities) and the intention to meet everyone’s needs, is at the core of Compassionate Communication. Some of these universally held needs, for example, are needs for community, freedom, meaning, nurturing, belonging, as well, of course, as survival needs such as safety, nourishment, shelter.

People committed to social change activism sometimes struggle with the tensions that derive from “us vs them,” or “I’m right, you’re wrong” thinking. The underpinning intention in each interaction is to connect with honesty and empathy and to meet everyone’s needs. Cherishing our own needs as well as understanding and valuing the other’s becomes an interesting challenge. Often, of course, the connection created from this intention results in everyone’s needs being met.

Here’s an example: Nasreen and Jared work for the same grassroots organization. Nasreen designs and produces a flier that the group approves. Before printing it, Jared changes the font and adds some graphic design. One option is for Nasreen to tell Jared “You’ve just undermined the work I did. How arrogant can you get?”

Jared might come back with “You always have to have everything done your way. There’s no room for anyone else to show their talent.”

Compassionate Communication moves in the direction of identifying feelings and needs and making specific requests. In this case, Nasreen could say “I was dismayed when I saw the changes you made to the flier, Jared, because I thought we’d agreed the flier was clear and would draw attention to the project. I’d like to know if you understand my upset.”

Jared might say “I hear your irritation with the fact that I made changes because you felt the flier was ready to go. What’s really important to you is that we get it out so people will know about the work we’re doing. Is that right?”

“Yes, Thanks. So what about you, Jared?”

“Well, it’s really important to me too to get people to understand and support this work. I have a background in graphic design and I wanted to make the flier more lively. I thought you’d like it. Do you understand where I was coming from?”

This sample conversation shows what these com-munication skills can sound like.

Another key aspect of Compassionate Communication is that it chooses open, empathic, dynamic thinking rather than static labeling, judging, comparing, diagnosing, etc. “Enemy images” are a natural outcome of the habit of labeling. “Liberal,” “smart,” “stupid,” “crazy” and so on are examples of labels. Once we’ve framed someone, or ourselves, we no longer relate to the individual, we relate to an image, an idea.

My guess is if we asked 10 year olds in the US to draw a picture of a “terrorist” they would all produce similar images of dark bearded men with turbans. The pictures of an “American” created by children in Iraq would probably also look alike—men in desert camouflage carrying guns. These “enemy images” don’t serve the cause of peace. They freeze our thinking into rigid molds and keep us separate.

Compassionate Communication asks us to shift, to listen and speak from the heart. It gives us the tools to do so. The fact that people working to build a peaceful, civil society in Kabul want to learn these skills touches my heart and gives me hope for all of us.

Selene Aitken is very gratefully accepting funds to support this project. Checks made out to Selene can be sent to 446 Helman St, Ashland, OR 97520. Selene is a mother of two grown sons, and lives in Ashland, Oregon. She worked at Southern Oregon University for twelve years in the Office of International Programs and as an adjunct instructor and co-directed Peace House in Ashland from 1987 to 1993. She became a mediator through the Oregon Dispute Resolution Committee training and volunteered in Small Claims mediation for seven years. Currently she offers Compassionate Communication classes, medi-ation and coaching through her practice, The Dance of Communication. For more information, visit www.thedanceofcommunication.com.

Selene Aitken