April/May 2010
GreenSpirit: Path to a New Consciousness
Marian Van Eyk McCain
Go With the Flow
Shaktari Belew
A Language of Living Systems
Crystal Arnold
The Great Pacific Garbage Patch ... and Other Waste-full Issues
Jody Woodruff
Organic Vegetable Farmers: Beware of Hidden Agreements from Monsanto In Some Seed
Matthew Dillon
How to Start an Organic Farm
Whistling Duck Farm
Chuck Burr
How to Get Our Democracy Back
Lawrence Lessig
We Are in the Middle of Transformational Change
Frank Joyce
Secrets of Successful Commitments
Joy Hosey
Moving on After the Loss of a Relationship
Jennifer Downs
The Mounth (Part II) and Obesity
Peter Moore
Cosmic Calendar
Salina Rain
Secrets of Successful Commitments
By Joy Hosey
The “C” word elicits a wide range of beliefs, feelings and potential confusion for many couples. Commitments and agreements are foundational to any healthy partnership, yet many people struggle in clearly communicating their values and preferences. For some, Commitment = Forever = “Yikes, there goes my freedom!” while others view their life as incomplete unless they’re in a “committed partnership.” But what exactly does that mean?
There are a variety of reasons couples seek support. Two issues that top the list are broken agreements and/or feeling stuck in “limbo”—where the relationship is not working well, and although they may talk freely about ending it, neither of them is actually willing to do so. Either of these painful situations can benefit from exploring how commitments—both conscious and unconscious—are affecting the relationship.
Just to be clear, making commitments is not just in the domain of couples. We all have ways that we commit—or not—to our own well-being, work, community, and the world. Demystifying commitment supports couples in making more powerful choices and paves the way to clear agreements. For the sake of this article, the commitment principles I find most valuable will be applied to the realm of primary partnership. Feel free to ponder how the “secrets” shared here can translate to other areas of your life.
If you’re willing, take a moment to explore your “inner-body” experience around commitment. To do this, bring your attention to your body, wherever you are. Experience your body breathing, consciously connecting to your inhalation and exhalation. Use this awareness of body breathing to deepen your connection to the body. Feel the body having weight. Whether you’re sitting or reclining or standing, take a breath to more fully experience your body’s posture. It’s usually easier to connect with the inner-body with your eyes closed, but with practice, it can be done eyes open. From this inner-body awareness, observe your breath and any sensations you’re experiencing. Feel the effect of inhalation in the belly or chest—experience exhalation and how the body responds. Do all this from a place of neutrality, in other words, without judgment. With a soft inner gaze, stay with this experience for a number of breaths, then allow yourself to track your inner-body experience as you say the word “Commitment” to yourself, either out loud or silently. Notice what happens to your breath and subtle variations in sensations. Does your energy go up? Down? Are you aware of any pressure, vibration, tightness, movement or change in body temperature? Stay with your experience for a few more breaths, and then say the words, “I commit” and notice if your inner-body experience changes or not.
Pondering commitment generally raises a gamut of feelings for people, depending on their beliefs and past experience with the topic. “I feel like I have cement blocks on my feet” or “my solar plexus is pulsating and an energy is rising up and out of my heart,” are not unusual responses to this exercise. Whatever your experience, consider it a valuable clue as to how commitment operates in your life. Staying curious is key. I invite you to stay connected to your breath, periodically taking a moment to check in with your inner-body awareness as you continue to read this article. Here are a few “secrets” to reflect upon as you consider the power of making commitments—or not.
Every relationship you’re currently engaged in already involves commitment of some sort. My favorite definition of commitment is one that I gleaned from my mentors Diana Chapman and Grace Caitlin: Commitment is a way of organizing your energy in a particular direction. How I relate to this definition is that true commitment involves all of me—my head, my heart, my gut—being in alignment. If my head thinks something “is a good idea,” but my heart or gut is not in agreement, then I am participating in wishful thinking and not true commitment. It is important for couples to clearly name what they are already committed to, which sometimes surprises them. “Naming and claiming” their current commitments requires an honest appraisal of their life together and taking responsibility for what they’ve created.
The good news is it’s important to acknowledge that there are many commitments already shaping your current relationship that are working for you! For instance, you and your partner may have an unspoken commitment to create and maintain a comfortable home environment together. Or perhaps you support each other in eating a healthy breakfast ... or taking family vacations every year, no matter what. To get clear about what your current commitments are, just take an inventory of your life. The results of your commitments become apparent. For instance, are you committed to being monogamous? Enjoying simple pleasures together? Having regular date nights? Supporting each other in your careers? Sharing chores? Make a list of ways that you and your partner are already in agreement around commitments. If you’re interested in vitalizing your partnership, take time to appreciate your partner—and yourself—for all the mutual commitments that are working for you.
If you don’t make conscious commitments with your partner, you leave room for unconscious commitments to rule your relationship. If you’re curious to know what your current unconscious commitments are, simply look at where your attention perpetually gets directed in a negative way—in other words, what are your biggest complaints? Here are a few common issues couples complain about, along with some potential underlying unconscious commitments:
Complaint: “You don’t see/understand me.”
Underlying Unconscious Commitment: We are committed to not telling the whole truth to each other, especially in the area of _________ (e.g. money, sexual feelings, addictions …)
Complaint: “I don’t trust you.”
Underlying Unconscious Commitment: We are committed to blaming each other and holding each other responsible for the difficulties on our relationship.
Complaint: “We never have enough quality time together.”
Underlying Unconscious Commitment: We are committed to making our children’s (or animal’s or work …) needs more important than caring for ourselves and/or our relationship.
Clear agreements are born from clear commitments. Agreements are the result of having taken the time and care to name what is most important to you in your relationship and creating specific ways to track and support that commitment. For example, if you both have a commitment to living within your financial means, you might make specific agreements about your spending plan: We agree to spend within our budget. If an expenditure comes up that might exceed our budget, we agree to check-in with each other and decide how we will pay for it before any money is spent.
Do not, I repeat, do not make any commitments or agreements that you do not truly want! Again, for me this means that my three centers—head, heart and gut—are in agreement. This seems fundamental, but is actually where couples create the biggest snafus for themselves. This essential aspect of clear commitments and agreements requires each person to “name and claim” what they truly value, which may require some difficult truth telling. To use the previous example, if you say you are committed to living within your means, but somehow find a way to overspend each month, your results are clearly showing you that there’s something else you value more than living within your budget! When couples learn how to clarify their authentic “Yes” and “No” response and express it fully, their agreements begin to empower and enliven their relationship.
Re-committing is key to your success. Check in with your commitments regularly and see if you’re still acting from them. One of my favorite foundational relationship commitments is “I commit to seeing you as my ally and to being yours.” This powerful commitment comes in handy in those vice-grip emotional moments when my merciless mind gets activated and I begin to view my partner as “the enemy.” If, in those treacherous moments, I choose to re-commit to this simple yet profound allyship statement, the energy to fight immediately shifts and my heart softens. How different my Beloved—and the world—look when my beady eyes and hardened heart open to perceive that I’ve been pecking at my most precious ally!
Commitment and agreements may change. This is a biggie for most people to fathom, as most of us have been indoctrinated in some form of “’til-death-do-us-part” belief system around commitments. This is why RE-committing is key. It helps keep us current with what we want, what we value and why. In staying current, we may find that a situation has changed, and with it, our commitment and agreements around it. For example, perhaps you and your partner have an agreement to being monogamous, and then one of you falls ill or is somehow unable/unwilling to be sexual. You may want to change your commitment, and collaborate in creating new agreements that support you both in living a more authentically loving partnership. Or it could be that your money situation radically changes, and your financial agreements need to be updated. Whatever the case, I recommend taking time on a regular basis to “name and claim” your commitments. Some people enjoy doing it annually, which is a wonderful practice. I have found that certain clues begin showing up when it’s time to re-evaluate my commitments. Things stop flowing well and/or I experience old, uncomfortable patterns reclaiming influence in my life.
Commitments manifest on varying timetables (which is why RE-commitment is so important). This means that some commitments are organic to your nature and occur easily, while others will require fortitude. For example, your commitment to your health or to making money may be obvious; yet manifesting the relationship of your dreams may perpetually elude you. This doesn’t mean there’s something “wrong” with you, or that your efforts are wasted. As far as I can tell, we all have at least one area in our life that offers us fertile soil for growth. Fully facing and embracing your greatest challenges can lead to your most satisfying successes. The great inventor Thomas Edison spent years committing and re-committing before his dream of electricity manifested in form. It may be the same for you, in some area of your life.
My favorite commitment metaphor is imagining it as a large ship. If you say you want to go to Hawaii, but your ship is headed to Australia, then your commitment is off course. A large ship requires the captain, the crew and a strong engine working together to steer the vessel to the desired shore. The captain can keep saying s/he wants to be in Hawaii, but if the crew and engine are on a different course, forget about it, you’re going to Australia! Instead, if everyone on board agrees on Hawaii as their destination, the course is clear. Navigation is still needed, and it may take awhile to get there, but the commitment is to landing in Hawaii and there is an air of joyful determination.
The key here is whether you are truly in alignment with what you say you want. When your three centers—head, heart and gut—fully align with a desire, it is only a matter of time before that desire manifests. It is clear when a person is congruent in their mind-heart-gut when they state a commitment. There is a palpable sense of truth being spoken, even if the result is not fully manifested yet. As Johann Wolfgang von Goethe so aptly articulated on this phenomenon, so long ago: “Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.”
Joy Hosey is a Relationship Coach, teacher and healer living in Ashland, OR. She offers coaching by phone and in person. To receive a complementary rela-tionship consultation, or learn more about her upcoming classes, workshops and presentations, contact her at (541) 482-8540 or visit www.soletosoulwellness.com.
